My Misadventure with a Dating App

 

About a year after Karen passed away, I started to think about returning to dating.  There were two basic issues:

• ·       Finding someone
• ·       Will a date become a relationship, and then something serious

I dreaded those miserable singles dances back in the late 60s and 70s.  We jokingly called them “meat markets” where the meat was kosher.  I met several young ladies at dances back then.

First dates were often difficult for me as I had trouble initiating a conversation with a new person.  Sometimes, I thought a first date went well, but when I asked for a second date the young lady would reply “I’m busy.”  Other times a relationship would fizzle out after a few dates.

I was reluctant to face those issues decades later.  In 2023 I dabbled with dating apps.  I had a Facetime chat with one woman, but I decided not to pursue it.

Very recently, I decided to try dating apps again.  I thought it would be nice to have some female companionship four years after I lost Karen.  I signed up with JDate a service for Jewish singles.  I decided to sign up for just one month to see if it was worth it.  I filled out the questionnaire and posted my profile.  I stated I only wanted matches 25 miles or less from home.  Most of the matches were from places such as Massachusetts, Maryland, and Virginia, more than 200 miles away.  I contacted a few from NYC, but they never responded.  That is fair game.

For the next three weeks I got no new matches and thought of cancelling my membership at the end of the month.  All of a sudden I got a slew of potential matches, including New Jersey and Long Island.  I thought to myself, do I really want to travel a long distance for a date?  I am not desperate to find someone.  I remember in 1969 when I had a date in the Bronx, my father remarked, aren’t there enough girls in Queens.  That date didn’t work out anyway.

I did connect with a woman named Joan whose profile said she was in NYC.  We started to chat within the dating app for a while and then she asked for my email and suggested we communicate that way.  A little while later, her JDate profile disappeared.

In one of her emails, she said:

I value sincerity, and I'm seeking a genuine, romantic, and fulfilling relationship. I am down-to-earth, honest, non-judgmental, and giving in my relationships and intimacy. My heart is big, and my personality is warm and caring. I’m someone who truly wants to experience love in its fullest sense. I am sociable, outgoing, and well-balanced in my life. My character is grounded in the belief of giving everyone a fair chance.

After a few more emails I suggested we have a video chat or meet at a neutral location for a face-to-face meeting.  Her response:

As for meeting in person, I appreciate your suggestion about a neutral location. That's a good point! I live in Ocala Florida . Since you live in Flushing, Queens, if we're both comfortable with traveling, we could potentially meet somewhere in the middle or a place that's convenient for both of us

I think this qualifies for an “Oy Vey.”  She said she values sincerity, but why did she say in her profile that she was in NYC while she actually lives in Florida.  Am I really going to travel to Florida to meet a woman?

This was her last communication with me:

Let's discuss the video chat over the next weekend but we can continue sharing emails and see how that goes. If we both feel comfortable, we can then plan an in-person meeting at a neutral spot. What are your thoughts on this approach?

I decided to stop communicating with her.  Long-distance relationships rarely work out, especially when they begin as a long-distance situation. If she sends me an email, I’ll politely say that this won't work out.

I also decided to end my subscription to JDate since it was creating too much anxiety for me.

My nephew in California met his wife through JDate, so dating apps do work.

 

My Experience with Dating Apps Has Been Disappointing

 

After Karen passed away in February 2021, I didn’t want to think about returning to dating for at least a year.  Since early 2022 I have grappled with this.  A month or so ago I joined the dating app on Facebook which is free.  I composed a profile and waited to see what would happen. After a few women clicked on my profile a chat ensued.  Usually after a few messages the chat died.  They call this ghosting as the person disappears.  There were some matches where the woman lived far away. Compatibility cannot be established by looking at photos and a list of interests. I don’t want to travel to eastern Long Island or New Jersey and for an initial date that doesn’t work out.  When I was in college there were many dates that did not work out.  I don’t want to go through that experience again.  So far, my involvement in dating apps has been disappointing.  Getting involved in dating again might just complicate my situation.

You never know what could happen. My nephew met his wife on JDate as they were both interested in running.  For now, at least I don’t want to get involved in dating.

I am Giving Dating Apps One Last Try

 

I have written about my disappointments with dating apps several times in this journal.  After Karen passed away in 2021, I didn't even want to think about dating for at least one year.  I always thought that it would be nice if I found someone, but it was OK if it didn't happen.  All those years ago, my parents brainwashed me so I wouldn't even think of dating a gentile girl.

I did try a Jewish dating site, but nothing worked out.  Many of the matches were from women who lived 200 or more miles away.  You can't travel so far for a first date.  A friend convinced me that if the intention is not marriage or cohabitation, the difference in religion is not that important.  At my age, I don't think I'll remarry.  At first, I thought I should only seek out widows.  Someone else convinced me that I should not be dismissive of divorced women since the mourning process after a divorce may be similar to mourning after a death.

Since Eharmony was rated the #1 dating app for older adults, I decided to sign up with them.  So far, the results have been the same.  There is a chatting relationship that dies out quickly.  Ghosted again.  I'll stick with it until my agreement with them concludes.  I will not renew and am not optimistic right now.

There are more important things in the world.

Another Misadventure with a Dating App - Ghosted Again

 

A few months ago, I documented my bad experiences with dating apps.  At that time, I used a services limited to Jewish singles.  A friend said that if you do not eventually live with a woman or marry her, a difference in religion may not be important.  With that thought in mind, I signed up with a non-sectarian dating app. I encountered JA from Tennessee. I advised her that we are at a long distance from each other.  Here are some excerpts from our chat.  My answers are in italics:

 I have been single for three years now , lost my partner to cancer and ever since he passed, I haven’t been in any relationship just sick and tired of being alone that’s how I ended up on the dating site with the aim to meet a man who’s honest and ready for something in a long term

Do you think you could give this a try for the first time and see how it goes ?

Bruce - Do you really want to travel to NYC to meet a strange man?

I enjoy traveling and visiting New York would be a great time for me, once again distance doesn’t bother me when I find that special someone who’s gonna love and appreciate me

Bruce - Please don't make a trip to NYC just to meet me.  In any event, relationships take time to develop.  We don't know very much about each other.  It is my opinion that the difference in age will catch up to a couple sooner or later. I am 23 years older than you.

Remember I told you age and distance doesn’t bother me , I would like us to take it slow and get to know more about each other and see how compatible we both can be from time to time

Just to let you know, I’m not here for any games or fun

I haven't heard from her in 48 hours. GHOSTED.

No more dating apps for me.

Dating Yesterday and Today - The Bathroom Line and Ghosting

 

Back in the late 1960s and early 1970s I often went to singles dances to try to meet a young lady to date.  We used to refer to them as "meat markets".  If someone danced with you, the next step would be to initiate a conversation.  Very often, the young lady would say she has to go to the bathroom and stay there for several minutes.  This meant that the young lady didn't want to meet the gentleman.

In this cell phone era, there are many dating apps.  The man or women would post a photo and list their respective interests.  The computer program would try to make matches.  Since it is now over two years since Karen's untimely passing, I thought it would be OK to test the "dating waters".  So far, I have checked out two dating apps.  When a match is made, an online chat ensues.  All of a sudden, the chatp ends.  This is called ghosting.  It means that the women does not want to talk over the phone or meet in person.

Thus, ghosting has replaced the bathroom line in the quest for dates.

Random Thoughts of the Day - September 4, 2026

 

• Strange younger women are still trying to contact me on Telegram.  I know better and immediate ignore them.  I don't know what they are trying to accomplish.  Likewise I get text messages on my cell phone number that I ignore.
• So far no success on dating apps.  I don't want to travel 30-40 miles to meet a woman when likely it won't work out.  I'll hang in there until my subscription expires.  Perhaps dating apps work better for younger people since I heard of some people meeting their future spouses that way.
• I still have crazy dreams about visiting my former employer.  I feel that I have nothing to gain by traveling to the past.  Many of my former colleagues have retired or moved on to other jobs.

My Misadventure in Phone Dating - AI Really Failed

 

After Karen passed away in 2021, I didn't want to think about dating again for at least a year.  Since then, I have dabbled in looking for a female friend.   I always thought that it would be nice to have a female friend, but it was not essential.. Recently, my Facebook feed has presented me with several dating apps for older singles.  I discussed one misadventure in a journal entry in May.

I will change all names here.

I found a website called Ophelia Connects. The service looks for someone close in age and interests—someone also looking for good conversation.  I decided to sign up since the introduction is free and payment is not required unless the two parties agree to extend the connection.

All text messages and phone calls from this service were generated by AI.  I was given instructions to be on my phone at 6 PM on Saturday.  That is a bad time since I am usually preparing dinner or eating.  I spoke to Jane, who lives close to me, for 10 minutes.  It is very hard to determine compatibility in a short phone call, but we found out:

• She is Catholic, while I am Jewish.  A difference in religion is an incompatibility
• She is divorced, while I am widowed.  I think a widowed-widower combination is more likely to be a match

We amicably decided not to pursue a connection.  This is fair game.

I then got a phone call from an AI-generated voice called Ophelia.  I said it didn't work out, but she would try again for someone else.

She arranged another phone date for Tuesday at 6 PM.  I had to reschedule my dinner.  I got on the phone and heard from Jane again.  AI did not work.  I was laughing at technology's failure.  I mentioned to the voice that 6 PM was a bad time.

Ophelia arranged a third phone date for Thursday at 7 PM.  For the third time, it was Jane.  I laughed really hard.

Is this any way to run a business?  The match was made only on proximity.

This qualifies for an Oy Vey.  I have been frustrated in my attempts to resume dating.

Need a Woman - Bob Dylan's Thoughts Differ from Mine

 

Since my wife Karen passed away in February 2021, I have grappled with the issue of getting back to dating.  I didn't want to think about it at all during the first year after my loss. But now, almost three years later should I try to:

• Develop a romantic relationship and eventually remarry?
• Find a live-in girlfriend?
• Have a platonic relationship with a woman?

Step one in any of these options is to meet someone.  There are more single women than men at my age, but do they want to pair off?  I surmise that the older a woman is when she is widowed or divorced, the less likely she is to friend a man.  My mother was widowed at age 77 and outlived my father by 17 years and was never interested in meeting other men.  Some of her friends did remarry after they lost their husbands.  When I go to a senior center, there are always about 80% women, but I surmise that they are not interested in pairing off.

I have dabbled in dating apps, but I chicken out.  I get into a chatting relationship with a woman that usually ends abruptly.  I had a video chat with one woman, but I decided not to meet her in person.  My fears are based on my experience with dating when I was in my 20s.  There were just too many bad experiences that seemed to haunt me.  I try to avoid rejection by maintaining the status quo.

If you read the lyrics to Dylan's Need a Woman, you will observe that his attitude differs from mine.  At age 82 he could get any woman he wanted.  This song appeared on The Bootleg Series, Vol 1-3: Rare & Unreleased 1961-1991.

Need a Woman

WRITTEN BY: BOB DYLAN

It’s been raining in the trenches all day long, dripping down to my clothes

My patience is wearing thin, got a fire inside my nose

Searching for the truth the way God designed it

The truth is I might drown before I find it

Well I need a woman, yes I do

Need a woman, yes I do

Someone who can see me as I am

Somebody who just don’t give a damn

And I want you to be that woman every night

Be that woman

I’ve had my eyes on you baby for about five long years

You probably don’t know me at all, but I have seen your laughter and tears

Now you don’t frighten me, my heart is jumping

And you look like it wouldn’t hurt you none to have a man

    who could give ya something

Well I need a woman, oh don’t I

Need a woman, bring it home safe at last

Seen you turn the corner, seen your boot heels spark

Seen you in the daylight, and watched you in the dark

And I want you to be that woman, all right

Be that woman every night

Well, if you believe in something long enough you just naturally

    come to think it’s true

There ain’t no wall you can’t cross over, ain’t no fire you can’t walk through

Well, believing is all right, just don’t let the wrong people know what it’s all about

They might put the evil eye on you, use their hidden powers to try to turn you out

Well I need a woman, just to be my queen

Need a woman, know what I mean?

Random Thoughts of the Day

• A car service ride from my home in Flushing to LaGuardia Airport cost $27.50 without the tip.  On the way home, a yellow cab charged me $16 for the same ride.
• Many branches of banks have closed since so many transactions can be done online.  Today a CD from a bank that used to have a branch in my neighborhood closed.  I had to make a short trip to Whitestone to close that account and take the check to another bank that offered much higher interest.
• Thankfully, the trade deadline in MLB has come and gone.  I was tired of reading articles speculating about trades that were never made.  In any event, the salaries that professional athletics are getting are so outrageous.
• I read an article in New York Magazine about the dating app, Tinder.  Most of their users were kids under 25.  I guess dating apps have replaced the singles dances of the 1960s and 70s.
• I attended a few meetings of seniors in eastern Queens.  The topics of discussion were so boring.  I'll try this group one more time before deciding whether or not to stay with them.  I just hate it when people talk about their medical problems.

 

Random Thoughts on New Year's Day 2026

 

• A Happy and Healthy New Year to all readers of Bruce's Journal.
• My first resolution for the new year is no more dating apps.  I just wasn't successful in meeting any women through my interactions with a few of them.  I say to limit matches to women within 25 miles, but I get people from hundreds of miles away.  Long-distance relationships rarely work out.  My attempts to return to dating have just created some anxiety for me.
• I am waiting to see what moves the Mets will make before spring training.  I was disappointed to see Alonso, Diaz, McNeil, and Nimmo leave.  Now, the roster will not be competitive, but there is still time for free agency signings and trades.

Advice to My Readers - Avoid Romance Scams

 

I dodged one when a young lady give me a sob story and asked for money.  I had a nice online conversation with her for a while but suspected she would eventually ask for money.  As soon as she did, I stopped communication with her.  This happened on Facebook so romance scams are not not limited to dating apps.  The Federal Trade Commission gives good advice on this issue.

Random Thoughts of the Day December 6, 2023

Taylor Swift was name Time Magazine's Person of the Year.  Did she dominate the headlines this year?  I think the people at Time just didn't want to name anyone political this year as it would generate controversy.  In 1964 Lyndon Johnson was Time's Person of the Year, but didn't the Beatles  dominate the headlines more that year?

I still have crazy dreams about going back to the past.  Last night I dreamed about being at a singles dance.  They are now passe as dating apps have replaced dances as a means of getting dates.

The Mets have made a few minor roster moves so far.  It seems that there has not yet been major transactons as teams are waiting to see what happens with Otani and Yamamoto.  I think the Yankees should be careful about trading for Juan Soto as he can declare free agency after the 2024 season.  He turned down a contract for $440 Million over 15 years from the Washington Nationals.

 

Ghosbusters Theme from the Movie Inspired Me to Write About Ghosting

 

Ghosting is defined as he practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.  It is most commonly applied to dating apps, but can refer to any online communication, romantic or not.

If you are interested in reading more, I found this article What is Ghosting

Let me relate some of my experiences with ghosting over the past year or so with younger women.

In all cases, I stated my age and that I was a widower and obviously could not date them or even meet them since they were at a long distance from me.

• Connie found me on Facebook, stating she would like to friend me since she found my postings interesting. You never know when people are telling the truth, but she said was in the U.S. Army and was stationed in Syria.  Since she could not use her credit card until she returned to the USA, she asked me to buy a Steam Card for her.  When I refused, she ghosted me.  Several months later, she tried to friend me on Facebook with the name Tessa. I recognized her picture. I didn't fall for it this time.
• Carolyn friended me on Facebook.  She lost her husband and had a five-year-old son. She moved the chat to WhatsApp.After flattering me for several days, she said she needed money to pay her rent.  Like a fool, I gave her a small amount.  A few days later, she insisted she needed more money.  I ghosted her, but about 6 months later, she chatted with me again for a day and then ghosted me permanently. Never send anyone money.  This is the Romance Scam.
• Allyson also friended me on Facebook. Like Carolyn, she started to flatter me after telling me she had lost her husband.  After she said wasn't working, I suspected something.  Sure enough, she cried that she could she couldn't feed her children and begged me for money.  I learned my lesson, and goodbye. This was another Romance Scam
• A few Asian women found my account on Telegram and started to chat with me. In all cases, they had good jobs, so I knew these would not be romance scams. Cindy was from San Francisco and even told me I could stay at her house if I came to her city.  After a while, she talked about investments.  When I said I wasn't interested, she ghosted me.  Apparently, she friended me to try to do financial business with her. Gina lived in St. Petersburg, Florida and kept sending me pictures.  One day, she said she was in church and prayed that our relationship would last forever.  A few days later, she ghosted me.  They say one thing and do the opposite.  It reminds me of a library manager I once knew.

I guess I am amused by all of this.

The Word Friend is Misused on Social Media

 The dictionary defines a friend as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

It is obviously misused on Facebook since I never met most of my "friends".  I have had many of them only once and some I have not seen in decades.  When I dabbled in dating apps, some of the women I encountered immediately called me their "friend".

I will include this journal with "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick and others.  The video includes the lyrics.