My Misadventure with a Dating App

 

About a year after Karen passed away, I started to think about returning to dating.  There were two basic issues:

• ·       Finding someone
• ·       Will a date become a relationship, and then something serious

I dreaded those miserable singles dances back in the late 60s and 70s.  We jokingly called them “meat markets” where the meat was kosher.  I met several young ladies at dances back then.

First dates were often difficult for me as I had trouble initiating a conversation with a new person.  Sometimes, I thought a first date went well, but when I asked for a second date the young lady would reply “I’m busy.”  Other times a relationship would fizzle out after a few dates.

I was reluctant to face those issues decades later.  In 2023 I dabbled with dating apps.  I had a Facetime chat with one woman, but I decided not to pursue it.

Very recently, I decided to try dating apps again.  I thought it would be nice to have some female companionship four years after I lost Karen.  I signed up with JDate a service for Jewish singles.  I decided to sign up for just one month to see if it was worth it.  I filled out the questionnaire and posted my profile.  I stated I only wanted matches 25 miles or less from home.  Most of the matches were from places such as Massachusetts, Maryland, and Virginia, more than 200 miles away.  I contacted a few from NYC, but they never responded.  That is fair game.

For the next three weeks I got no new matches and thought of cancelling my membership at the end of the month.  All of a sudden I got a slew of potential matches, including New Jersey and Long Island.  I thought to myself, do I really want to travel a long distance for a date?  I am not desperate to find someone.  I remember in 1969 when I had a date in the Bronx, my father remarked, aren’t there enough girls in Queens.  That date didn’t work out anyway.

I did connect with a woman named Joan whose profile said she was in NYC.  We started to chat within the dating app for a while and then she asked for my email and suggested we communicate that way.  A little while later, her JDate profile disappeared.

In one of her emails, she said:

I value sincerity, and I'm seeking a genuine, romantic, and fulfilling relationship. I am down-to-earth, honest, non-judgmental, and giving in my relationships and intimacy. My heart is big, and my personality is warm and caring. I’m someone who truly wants to experience love in its fullest sense. I am sociable, outgoing, and well-balanced in my life. My character is grounded in the belief of giving everyone a fair chance.

After a few more emails I suggested we have a video chat or meet at a neutral location for a face-to-face meeting.  Her response:

As for meeting in person, I appreciate your suggestion about a neutral location. That's a good point! I live in Ocala Florida . Since you live in Flushing, Queens, if we're both comfortable with traveling, we could potentially meet somewhere in the middle or a place that's convenient for both of us

I think this qualifies for an “Oy Vey.”  She said she values sincerity, but why did she say in her profile that she was in NYC while she actually lives in Florida.  Am I really going to travel to Florida to meet a woman?

This was her last communication with me:

Let's discuss the video chat over the next weekend but we can continue sharing emails and see how that goes. If we both feel comfortable, we can then plan an in-person meeting at a neutral spot. What are your thoughts on this approach?

I decided to stop communicating with her.  Long-distance relationships rarely work out, especially when they begin as a long-distance situation. If she sends me an email, I’ll politely say that this won't work out.

I also decided to end my subscription to JDate since it was creating too much anxiety for me.

My nephew in California met his wife through JDate, so dating apps do work.

 

I Found Out There are Still Jewish Dances After I Thought They Were Long Gone

 

If you read some of my autobiographical journal entries there were mentions of Jewish singles dances in the 60s and 70s.  In NYC, there were Cometogether and Tempo dances.  A former friend of mine met his wife at a dance in 1972.  When I lived in northern New Jersey in the mid 1970s there were dances run by an organization call the Dunhams.

Yesterday I posted on a Facebook group Jewish Singles 65+ that back in the day there was always a Jewish Singles Dance on Christmas Eve or Night.  I thought that those miserable dances were gone for decades but a poster stated that there is a singles dance every year at this time called MatzoBall.  In any event this dance is not for me since the stated age range is 21-49.

Since I became a widower I have been very reluctant to get involved in dating again,

Random Thoughts of the Day December 6, 2023

Taylor Swift was name Time Magazine's Person of the Year.  Did she dominate the headlines this year?  I think the people at Time just didn't want to name anyone political this year as it would generate controversy.  In 1964 Lyndon Johnson was Time's Person of the Year, but didn't the Beatles  dominate the headlines more that year?

I still have crazy dreams about going back to the past.  Last night I dreamed about being at a singles dance.  They are now passe as dating apps have replaced dances as a means of getting dates.

The Mets have made a few minor roster moves so far.  It seems that there has not yet been major transactons as teams are waiting to see what happens with Otani and Yamamoto.  I think the Yankees should be careful about trading for Juan Soto as he can declare free agency after the 2024 season.  He turned down a contract for $440 Million over 15 years from the Washington Nationals.

 

Dating Yesterday and Today - The Bathroom Line and Ghosting

 

Back in the late 1960s and early 1970s I often went to singles dances to try to meet a young lady to date.  We used to refer to them as "meat markets".  If someone danced with you, the next step would be to initiate a conversation.  Very often, the young lady would say she has to go to the bathroom and stay there for several minutes.  This meant that the young lady didn't want to meet the gentleman.

In this cell phone era, there are many dating apps.  The man or women would post a photo and list their respective interests.  The computer program would try to make matches.  Since it is now over two years since Karen's untimely passing, I thought it would be OK to test the "dating waters".  So far, I have checked out two dating apps.  When a match is made, an online chat ensues.  All of a sudden, the chatp ends.  This is called ghosting.  It means that the women does not want to talk over the phone or meet in person.

Thus, ghosting has replaced the bathroom line in the quest for dates.

Random Thoughts of the Day

• A car service ride from my home in Flushing to LaGuardia Airport cost $27.50 without the tip.  On the way home, a yellow cab charged me $16 for the same ride.
• Many branches of banks have closed since so many transactions can be done online.  Today a CD from a bank that used to have a branch in my neighborhood closed.  I had to make a short trip to Whitestone to close that account and take the check to another bank that offered much higher interest.
• Thankfully, the trade deadline in MLB has come and gone.  I was tired of reading articles speculating about trades that were never made.  In any event, the salaries that professional athletics are getting are so outrageous.
• I read an article in New York Magazine about the dating app, Tinder.  Most of their users were kids under 25.  I guess dating apps have replaced the singles dances of the 1960s and 70s.
• I attended a few meetings of seniors in eastern Queens.  The topics of discussion were so boring.  I'll try this group one more time before deciding whether or not to stay with them.  I just hate it when people talk about their medical problems.

 

Remembering Bill Bernstein My Sigma Beta Phi Fraternity Brother at City College of New York

I rarely read the New York Times during the week, but on the way home this afternoon I saw a copy of today's paper on my seat.  I picked it up, read a few articles and perused the obituary page.  There was a listing for a William Bernstein.  A person by that name perished on September 11, 2001, but it wasn't my fraternity brother from CCNY.  When I saw that this William Bernstein was a graduate of CCNY, I knew it was my old friend Bill.  There is another obituary of him in the Downtown New York City Magazine.

I must say that he had a very distinguished job history.  I last saw him in early 1974 just after I returned to NYC from the University of Rhode Island.  I had no contact with him for 42 years and never knew until now what became of him.

I always remember him at the Sigma Beta Phi fraternity house.  We had one house on 6th Avenue between 27th and 28th Street in Manhattan.  When we were kicked out, we moved to another house at Parkside Avenue in Brooklyn which we shared with a house plan known as Tremaine.  Please read more about my CCNY years at this blog entry.  Bill was always a big card player.  There was a contingent of fraternity brothers who stayed at the house and played cards while others like myself went to singles dances looking for dates. Those were the days.  A few years later Bill and Joe Viel shared an apartment in Queens Village.

It is a shame that he died at age 64.  My condolences to his family.

Being Jewish at Christmas

You can read what is in the picture above or read what I have to say.  I always have that "funny feeling" of being left out at Christmas time.  We don't open up gifts on Christmas or have a large family gathering.  Many gentiles do forget the significance of the holiday as it commemorates the birth of Jesus Christ.

I remember back in the 1970s before I was married there was always a Jewish singles dance on Christmas Day or Eve.  It was your last chance to get a date for New Year's Eve.  In the mid 1970s when I lived in New Brunswick, NJ there was a group called the Dunhams that held such an event.  We called it a JAP Festival. (JAP=Jewish American Princess).  That expression and singles dances have become passe over the years.

I will take in a movie tomorrow, but pass on the Chinese food.  It will be nice to be off from work until January 2.

Recalling 1967-1972 The City College Years

 

The college years are difficult for anyone since you enter them at age 18 when you are a boy and leave at age 22 when you are not quite a man.  I see students that age every day at my job at NJIT.  Certainly times have changed since 1972 in terms of circumstances, values, styles, and technology.

 

City College of New York (CCNY) was always the college for immigrants.  My parents were not wealthy and could not afford to send me to a prestigious college with high tuition.  I chose CCNY because it had better science and engineering programs than Queens College which was closer to home.  Back then a student had to pay only a $57/semester fee plus textbooks. Like Forest Hills High School, the student body at CCNY was mostly Jewish at that time.  It was known as a subway school since there were no dormitories, thus students had to commute from home within the 5 boroughs of New York City.  I will spend most of my discussion on social issues of that time.  I’d rather not get into academics.

 

I came to CCNY without knowing anyone since my high school friends went to other colleges.  There were fraternities and house plans that were actively seeking Freshmen.  One had to pledge a fraternity while he can just join a house plan which was more informal.  I received a letter from Mike G. who lived a few blocks away from me in Rego Park inviting me to visit Sigma Beta Phi fraternity which had a “house” in a loft on 6th Avenue between 27th Street and 28th Street in the Chelsea section of Manhattan.  Many of the fraternities had houses within walking distance of the CCNY campus, while others were in the outer boroughs.

 

I decided to pledge Sigma Beta Phi which promised not to haze its pledges as was done at other fraternities.  Very often pledges had to wear beanies and had to wait hand and foot on the brothers.  I remember very well in December 1967 having my very first date.  I was totally afraid of Louise who was about 4 feet 10 inches tall. On the night of my induction into the fraternity, I was “kidnapped” by two brothers.  They took me to the Canarsie section of Brooklyn.  Luckily, I was able to figure out how to get home by subway.

 

Since I was very new to dating I really had some difficulties.  It was tough for me to find a young lady and even harder to maintain a dating relationship.  There were several misadventures with dating back then.  One time my when I was using my Dad’s car, I got stuck on an ice patch with a date.  A few weeks later, the car’s transmission failed while I was double dating.  My friend’s mother had to come and pick us up.

 

Back then we would often go to singles dances on Friday nights.  Most of the time I was unsuccessful in meeting a young lady.  El Caribe was a country club in the Mill Basin section of Brooklyn which had Jewish singles dances.  In November 1970 I met Karen L., my first real girlfriend.  This was not the Karen that I married in 1983.  I dated heruntil August 1971 when we broke up.  When looking back at that relationship, I realized that it was immaturity and inexperience on both of our parts which did us in.  I was told by several people back then who thought we were going to become engaged soon.  Back then it was common to become engaged in college and be married shortly after graduating.  I observe today that many college students are afraid of commitments and don’t marry until their late 20s or 30s.

 

Let me talk about some of my friends back then.

 

There was Eugene who was Puerto Rican who looked Italian.  He had the gift of gab, but in his case it was more of a curse.  He had a talent for meeting Jewish girls.  He could probably meet one in Vatican City.  Bi-cultural dating back then was very much frowned upon especially among Jews.  He would date a Jewish girl who would dump him before the relationship could get serious.  We had a joke back then “Hello, I’m Eugene, I’m an electrical engineer, can I have your phone number?”

 

There was Bill who was tall and heavy set.  He was just afraid of girls and would play cards every Friday night.  Half the fraternity would play cards while the others would go to dances or parties looking for dates.

 

There was Joel who lived in Co-op City in the Bronx.  I dated his sister for about a month in late 1968.  He eventually married in 1973 and later moved to Kinston, NC.

 

Alan A. was the world’s biggest mama’s boy, but for a few years he was my best friend.  I remember his mother wouldn’t let him have a television set because she didn’t want it to interfere with his studying.  Back in the early 1970s there was an organization called Come Together which ran Jewish Singles Dances.  In May 1972 he met a Jewish American Princess (JAP) at one of their dances. (JAP was a very popular term back then which has since died).   A year to the day that he met her they were married at a very fancy wedding.  I was best man at his wedding.  He really looked down upon me because I wasn’t married nor had a girl friend.  I last saw him in 1974.

 

Lastly, there was Mike H.  He was a top rated student with close to a perfect 4.0 index in Electrical Engineering, but lacked common sense.  He met his future wife Heidi at one of our fraternity parties.  We doubled dated many times in the early 1970s.  He actually became engaged in a bowling alley.  We had a joke about that since Heidi’s middle name is Pinn, her mother’s maiden name.  We said Mike became engaged in a bowling alley because he wanted to get some Pinn action.  He wanted to strike at a spare moment while Heidi was in the right frame of mind.  They were married in June 1973.  I kept in touch with Mike until late 1976 when I moved to New London, CT.

 

I graduated from CCNY in January 1972 after 4 ½ years.  Back then it was unusual for people to graduate in 4 years since by staying in college longer, one could evade the selective service.

 

Enough said.

 

 

Remembering the Forest Hills High School Years 1964-67

I entered Forest Hills High School (FHHS)in September 1964.  At that time close to 90% of the students were Jewish.  Since the school was overcrowded there were three sessions for the sophomores, juniors, and seniors.  I was accepted for the “Special Science Program”.  I remember fondly many teachers who really stimulated the students.   There was Saul Geffner and Morris Wigler who taught chemistry.  Harvey Pollack was an excellent physics teacher.  Lucy DeVivo taught biology.  Oh, I hated dissecting frogs, so I majored in chemistry.  There was gold ole Miss Sullivan who taught Geometry that was a bore.  I later took advanced algebra with Miss Mercaldo.  Bernard Plotkin was the calculus teacher in my senior year.  That was really tough, but it helped me when I got City College, the next year.

 

My fellow students were very competitive.  I remember Uzi Bar-Gadda who was really a whiz with physics, but had no personality.  I think I googled him once and found out he became a Professor at Stanford.  Corey Lerner was the valedictorian and became a cardiologist.  He is a distant relative of Karen.

 

My best friend back then was Roy whose parents were friends of my Mom and Dad.  I remember our senior year when we walked down Saunders Street toward school each morning.  We would toward school and talk about the WMCA and WABC surveys.  I have kept in touch with him to this day.

 

There was also Paul Vernon.  I remember going to basketball games with him on Tuesday and Saturday nights.  Back then with a high school ID we could see a doubleheader in Madison Square Garden for $1.25.  That is not a typo!  One dollar and twenty five cents.  Back in those days Carl Braun likely made $10,000/year.

 

Over the years I have reconnected with some FHHS students.  In the early 1970s I went to some singles dances with Larry Wirfel. Sadly, he passed away in 1984.  In 1992, there was a big reunion near JFK Airport of 1967 grads for the 25th anniversary.  I just wasn’t in the mood to go. In 1998 there was a regular online chat with graduates of 1967-68.  I reconnected with Mike Seidman who now lives in Suffolk County.  There was a small reunion with mostly 1968 grads.  I reconnected with Frances Cohan whose mother played Mah Jong with my mother in the 1960s.  Fran would often walk her dog on Saunders Street when Roy and I passed by.  Sadly she died of breast cancer in 2000 at age 50.  I also became re-acquainted with Phyllis Silverman who was a fellow camper at Wel-Met in the 60s.

 

In 2002 there was a reunion of about 50 1967 classmates at a restaurant on the West Side.  I talked to Alan Mayer who was an excellent writer for the school newspaper called The Beacon.  Very recently I did a search on Facebook for FHHS 1967 grads.  I found Alan Mayer and Tom Bunzel who also wrote for the Beacon.  I also made friends with Judy Gerber whom I also become reacquainted with through Mike Seidman.

 

Those were the days.

 

Reminiscing about my New Brunswick Days - 1974-76

Part 2 of 2

Let me talk about some of the young ladies that I dated during that time:

 

 I met JL at one of those silly singles dances.  She worked as a biologist for Hoffman-LaRoche a very prestigious pharmaceutical company.  I could never get a date with her on a Saturday night, so I suspected she was dating someone else.  That certainly was fair game.  One weeknight, I took her out to dinner.  When we got home, her phone rang.  She pointed to the TV and took the call.  She was on the phone for at least 30 minutes.  It must have been her regular boyfriend.  She was obviously rude to me.  She was my type, so I was disappointed that it ended.

 

I met EM through the Bnai Brith singles group.  She was a psychiatrist’s daughter.  I had several pleasant dates with her, but she dated several guys she met through that group.  I perceived it that by dating several guys at once, she prevented herself from forming an attachment to any one.  Boy, I was wrong.  My last date with her was in early June 1976.  By September, her engagement to another guy was announced in the groups’ newsletter.  She was difficult, but I was someone inexperienced at that time with dating relationships.

 

In 1976 another singles group formed at a synagogue in Highland Park.  I met LM there a few months before I left NJ.  She was a dentist’s daughter.  Her father did not run a radio message board.  Remember, there was no Internet in the 1970s.  When I first met her she said, we can get together during the week, because I see friends on weekends.  I smelled something fishy, but what to heck.  A had about 5 dates with her, and when I phoned all of a sudden she said, by the way, I’m kind of going steady with this guy, and I really love him.  She said it was difficult to tell me that.  It was better than getting the standard, I’m busy line.  Oh well.  These things happen for the better.

 

I wish the Internet were around when I was single and unattached.  I think I would have done well at initially meeting women.  Sustaining dating relationships was difficult for me back then.  The Internet could not have helped me there.

 

I said I wasn’t going to discuss career issues here, but I must relate two interview stories.  I interviewed at a family owned business called Research Organic Chemical Company.  They interviewed me for about an hour and even gave me a written test about chemistry.  They said that as part of my interview, I would have to perform a “lab test” by working for them for two days for no pay.  At first I agreed to do that, but after losing a night’s sleep I changed my mind.  I phoned them that morning and told them they would either hire me or not.  The risk to the employee in taking a new job is higher than that of an employer.  Some years later I found out that this company was put out of business since they dumped toxic chemicals in the sewer.  The owners of the company were convicted of a crime and thrown in jail.

 

I got another interview though an employment agency.  They told me not to arrive at the company until 5:30 PM since the company was going to fire the incumbent and needed an immediate replacement.  It turned out to be a wild goose chase.

 

Before I close, let me talk at little about radio at that time.  I was not much of an enthusiast back then.  AM radio was still king and I listened mostly to Harry Harrison in the morning.  My interest in radio was dormant, but came back some years later.

 

In December 1976 I left New Brunswick, NJ since I found a job for a pharmaceutical company in Connecticut.

 

This was a very difficult period in my life since I was frustrated in two ways.  Back in the 1970s people married much younger than they do today.  I really felt that being 27 years old and single, I was looked down upon.

 

I had difficulties back then finding the right job.  But if I had to flounder in my career, it was better to do it when I was younger without a wife and family.  I know a guy today who lost his job about a year ago and can’t find anything else.  He has a wife and a young daughter.

 

So Is life.

 

From time to time I have gone to professional meetings in New Brunswick.  The downtown area was really revitalized in the 30 years since I have left.  Rutgers University is bigger than it was back then.  I obviously lost touch with all the people I knew back then.

 

 

Reminisicing about my New Brunswick Years 1974-76

This is Part 1 or 2

When I left URI in January 1974 I did not have a job.  I had several interviews in fall 1973, but no job offers.  After being on my own for two years it was very difficult to move back with my parents in Queens.  I went to school for all those years and had nothing to show for it.  Since I was bored sitting around the house, I went to a temporary agency and got a clerical job at a bank.

 

 Finally, in May 1974 I got an offer from a chemical company called Rhodia in New Brunswick, NJ.  I will not discuss career issues in this journal entry.  As soon as I got the job offer I ran to New Brunswick to look for an apartment.  I found a temporary apartment in someone’s house in the Hungarian section of town.  New Brunswick has the highest concentration of Hungarians outside of Hungary.  However, my landlord was Polish and just wouldn’t leave me alone.  Finally in September, I found a studio apartment in a luxury building called the Colony House near the College Avenue campus of Rutgers.  Back then my rent was $245/month, but my salary was $12,000/year.

 

Anyway, let me move on to social issues.  Some of the people have unique names.  I don’t want them to find this entry by Googling themselves, so I will refer to them by initials.  In the 1970s people married much earlier than they do today.  It was very common for people to marry shortly after graduating from college.  Relatively few unmarried couples lived together back then.  It was tough for me to see many of my friends get married in 1973.  I lost most of then within a year.

 

It is tough to go it alone in a strange town.  At least this time I had a car.  It is natural to seek out people of your own kind.  In neighboring Highland Park there was a Jewish Community Center that had a singles group.  In spring 1974, it was fading away.  It seems that in singles groups everyone loses interest at the same time.  When they don’t find the person of their dreams they “move on.”

 

I met a guy in that group I will call MT.  He was about my age and also worked as a chemist.  He was a great enthusiast of outdoor activities such as hiking and camping.  However, he lacked common sense.  He once phoned me at 2:30 AM to ask me if I wanted to go hiking the next day.  He was tactless in his dealings with women.  He would talk with a girl for about 5 minutes, ask for her phone number and not call her for a month.  Then he wondered why the girl turned him down for a date.  In June 1974, I went with him to a singles weekend in Lancaster, PA.

 

The second man I met through that group was RL.  He was very good looking but just could not find himself.  He had a degree in history, but just didn’t know what he wanted to do.  He had a job as a janitor in a school, and hadvery low self-esteem.  Girls would just walk up to him.  His father got him a job as an assembly line worker for the General Motors plant in NJ.  We called him Deadbeat.

 

Back in those days there were Jewish singles dances aka “Meat Markets” where the meat was kosher.  They presented a very artificial and tense environment where you tried to pick up a girl.  There was an organization called the Dunham’s that ran Jewish singles dances.  Every year after Yom Kippur they would hold a dance we called the Annual JAP Festival.  JAP is an acronym for Jewish American Princess.  That is one expression popular in the 70s that died.

 

There had to be a better way to find a young lady.  We found out about a chapter of B’nai Brith specifically for singles.  B’nai Brith is a fund raising and service organization, but the people there were definitely looking to pair off.  We had some good times in that group.  I met a guy there AJB who became my best friend during my NJ years.  However, we were both frustrated together having problems finding the right girl and the right job.  I kept in touch with him after I left NJ in late 1976, but in 1978 he hurt me very badly and we went our own way.